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3 Steps For Better Portland Baby Boomer Holidays



When you ask someone, “How was Thanksgiving,” and they say wonderful, what they really mean is, “boring.”

But they won’t dare say that.

The Boomer who says wonderful comes from a gathering where all ‘social filters’ are cleaned and set to high.

Don’t talk any politics, no college loyalty, and most of all, no history on the Native American contributions to this most American of days.

If you scratch the surface of the perfect dinner, you are bad, really bad. How can you avoid that?

Boomerpdx can help.

One young man answered the ‘How was Thanksgiving’ with, “I’ve spent years at my girlfriend’s house doing the same things with the same group. Not this time. I stayed in, played xBox, and watched football. Alone. It was great.”

From the looks of him explaining his perfect day, he meant every word.

Another answered with, “My parents divorced in my twenties and didn’t talk. They didn’t talk much before the divorce, either. Back then I could tell one I would spend the day with other, and tell the other the same thing. Instead of going anywhere, I partied with my apartment house and we all cooked a huge dinner together. Then I got married.”

Does your family know how to raise the social filters to avoid any conflict?

Does you family know how to ditch each other without hurting any feelings?

Does your family know how to cook like pros and fill the table with the sort of grub that starts from scratch, mixing ingredients measured to the micron, and explodes in a mushroom cloud of otherworldly tastes and aromas? If not, keep practicing.

For the best of all Thanksgivings, drop the filters, show up, and pitch in. Call it a learning experience.

Step 1: If someone brings up the Tea Party and asks if they really drink tea and eat cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off, help them out.

Explain the Boston Tea Party, taxation without representation, and a Red Coat living in your house. That should be enough.

If the questioner is baiting the trap with feigned ignorance, be smart enough to avoid it. There’s no reason to jump on your soapbox on Republican leadership, far right weirdness, or your take on abortion. The rest of the house will be thankful you took the day off.

If you need to fire verbal shots, just know you started the war.

Step 2: If someone tries to link the collapse of Oregon Duck and Oregon State Beaver football to Democratic politics, stay clear. When they say the Ducks have an entitlement attitude, as if they’re owed a national championship, stand clear.

If they say the Beavers have earned a victory in the Civil War just by showing up, keep quiet.

If you can’t resist making noise, try not to choke on your words.

Step 3: After all the preliminary work is finished and you’re sitting in front of a heaping plate of thankfulness, you’re at the moment of silence. Any heated talk now is a risk. You don’t want to be the one who sucks down a hunk of turkey that goes sideways and sticks.

The wheezing sound will frighten others. The death grip on the sides of the table while you try and draw enough breath to cough might tip the whole thing over.

If you’re the biggest BS-er at the table the others might not come to your rescue because they think you’re faking it. Don’t take that chance.

To keep things calm, do this: Pretend you’ve got something stuck in your throat after your first bite of turkey. Grab your neck with one hand and push your gut with the other. Make gagging sounds. Before anyone jumps up and pounds a hole in your back, or gives you a rib cracking Heimlich maneuver, turn your face toward the most annoying person at the table.

Punch yourself in the stomach and spit the chewed turkey chunk their direction.

From there on out, let the blessings flow.





About David Gillaspie
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