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5 Ways Portland Baby Boomers End The World Boomer Style

Courtesy boiledblog.com

Courtesy boiledblog.com

The Mayan Calendar Strikes 12-21-12

You’ve heard the legends, seen the movie, read the book.

The Mayan calendar doesn’t have a happy ending.

Portland Baby Boomers have it easier than other Baby Boomers in America.

Boomerpdx is here for you in these dire moments. If it is The End, this is what you’ll need:

  • Music

In Baby Boomer logic, the End of the World needs a good soundtrack.

If the 12-12-12 concert is any measure it’ll be an old English band.

Or Bob Dylan singing,

“Oh, Mama, can this really be the end
To be stuck inside of Mobile
With the Memphis blues again.”

What it won’t be is Mayan music.

The only instrument remotely resembling a guitar came from an image on a jar from Guatemala. After the pre-Columbian stringed instrument was reconstructed from the image, it sounded like a growling jaguar when played.

Imagine the fun young Mayan rockers had with that. Boomers can finally relax. Frightening parents with growling instruments didn’t begin with Jimi Hendrix or Jimmy Page.

If the day doesn’t end in an inferno of doom, plug in your Strats and party like it’s 1999. Go ahead and hit the splits one more time like Prince. He would approve.

  • Food

Since a large population of current Mayans live in Mexican states, Baby Boomers know where to stock up for the apocalypse. Make a run for the border and get a fourth meal at Taco Bell.

Besides a bag of chalupas, stop by the 7-11 for a half rack of Dos Equis and you’re set for the most interesting day in history. If feasting, dancing, and drinking was good for Mayans, it’s good for you.

  • Medicine

Boomers search for new ways to treat the human body. Blame them for organic produce, free roaming chickens, and steroid free beef.

Blame them for natural remedies as well as advanced surgical procedures. The Boomer search is never ending.

Just don’t blame them for Mayan medicine men called shamans. If you cut yourself and your doctor stitches you up with human hair, she’s Mayan. If your dentist fills your teeth with iron pyrite, they’re Mayan.

The best way to tell if your doc is Mayan is their clinical garb. Do they wear a giant snake head dress? Carry a rattle? Paint their face blue?

Do they prescribe peyote, mushrooms, or tobacco with instructions on how to administer them with an enema? That’s either Mayan medicine 101, or Carlos Castaneda. Either way, it’s medical.

  • Blood Lust

How many Baby Boomers have done the Blood Brother exchange?

DON’T DO THIS NOW, but you and your best friend once cut yourselves and pressed the wounds together, creating a bond for life.

Mayans sacrificed their prisoners to calm the spirits with blood. Wiki research reveals how farmers used regular blood-letting from penises and vaginas to help their crops grow.

Boomer, if your front yard looks a little yellow in places, now you know what’s missing. If the Ortho isn’t working…

  • Sports

Mayans loved their ball game as much as Oregon loves their Ducks, Corvallis their Beavers, and Portland their Blazers.

But there’s a catch.

The Mayan ball may have had ears, eyes, nose, mouth. Their ball didn’t bounce the same as modern balls.

Resist the urge to recreate the Mayan ball game. Don’t invite the neighborhood jerk over with bad intentions.

If it’s not the end of the world, it’ll be the end of you being seen as a normal human being. One Jeffrey Dahmer is enough.

Use a Sharpie on your ball if you need a face.

  • The End

No one knows how the Mayan Empire ended. Baby Boomers love a challenge and they could figure it out. Post new research on comments below.

Look forward to reading them if it all works out. In the meantime sing along to R.E.M.:

It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it
It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

About David Gillaspie

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