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The older we get, the more protection we need.

This isn’t about police and fire sort of protection, it’s about feeling protected.

What makes you feel protected, like you’ve done everything you can to insure your safety?

Growing up, we had moms and dads protecting us. If we got bullied, our parents stood up for us. If we got bad grades, our parents blamed the teachers.

Oh, wait. That’s what we’ve done with our kids.

Is there a lesson for us from our own parenting?

1. Boomer Illness

If you have a cough, stay in bed for three days. When you get up, complain about your sore back from laying in bed three days. Convince everyone you talk to that you feel just like an astronaut after a long space mission. “My strength has left me.”

2. Boomer Society

If you go out, wear a bird-flu mask. There’s too may bad things going around to slam you. Better yet, don’t go out. Order everything delivered. The internet will help you become the shut-in you always dreamed of.

3. Boomer Friends

They don’t agree with your politics? Drop them. They agree with your politics? Drop them anyway. You’ve always questioned their hygiene and now that you’re older you’re more vulnerable. If you followed rule #2 and your friends still show up, do like you’ve done on Halloween when you run out of candy. Close the curtains and turn off the lights. It saves money and it’s easier on the eyes.

4. Boomer Family

The saying goes, “You can choose your friends, but not your family.” Well, you’ve dumped your friends, why not your family. All they’ll do is ask for money when you win the lottery. If you don’t win, they still might ask for a kidney since you’re related. Haven’t talked to one of your siblings in a while? If they’re on dialysis, you’ll get a call soon enough. Stay down and be safe.

5. Boomer Money

Is an alcohol problem draining your savings? A drug habit milking your account? The next time you get loaded, ask your pals how they manage their money. Then ask them for free booze and free meth. If they don’t kick in, they’re really not your friends.

6. Boomer Housing

If you own a house, look into the reverse mortgage. Don’t worry that it’s some kind of plot where once you sign the papers the reverse mortgage company will send a death squad to your door step. Robert Wagner might have played To Catch A Thief, but he won’t rob you. Neither will former Senator Fred Thompson. He was a senator, he’s got his already.

7. Boomer Sex

The erectile dysfunction commercials play during NFL football games for a reason. They think you and your partner get all fired up watching grown men lean over and show the straps on their jocks. In one spot there’s the man pulling his horse out to tow a truck stuck in the mud. In another a man sands his wooden bench. What’s next, a train going into a tunnel, then a fireworks show? Just enjoy the game, boomer.

8. The Boomer Future

Face it old timer, you’ve got a great future behind you. You’re done in the eyes of most people. Get ready to pull up a dirt blanket for a nice rest.


Pick one or more of the above and give a better answer. Make us laugh in comments.





About David Gillaspie


  1. Gary Bowen says:

    I’m afraid if I got started I might cause folks to have a conniption fit! I could write lots to an entire wall full of thoughts, diatribes and just plain bitching so as to fulfill such high order as you’ve brought to my triggered thoughts.

    As most do, I have my haunts-small reliefs mixed with feelings of rejection and loneliness…

    “Oh, that’s fucking nice! Now what moments”

    Okay, I’ll bite! number 2, Boomer Society, BAHH HUMBUG! Hmmmm, where to begin, of course this is all off the cuff no editing mind you, thus far its been (Medical Retirement) far less enjoyable than I thought. My no longer having to awake around 0400hrs only to sit up long enough on the side of my bed only to blow puke out of both exit holes (mouth and nose) the very thought yesterdays struggles coincide with the new days awakenings…

    Such was life for much of my existence as a designated gunner within a special security unit long past.

    As for number 2 on the list, because of my chosen profession, even long before age 25, getting high and tuning out and turning on was not attractive for me or mine. Long story short, youth did not include much partying as it were, hence, few if ever any invites.

    Nowadays, I spend much of my time hunkered down in my home, not being a joiner, I belong to nothing as I know how that all turns into crap in a very short amount of time. Organized church setting turned into nine years going, yet only two to three members ever addressed me by name.
    It has nothing to do me not believing in God, it ain’t about him, its about people whom…

    “Fill those blanks in as appropriate.”

    I am a man of many vast experiences, most having to do with weaponry, but few to no outlets for self expression as our world today constantly sympathizes with its many enemies. Both domestic and Foreign, I was never afforded that. Glad I wasn’t either, sure it took its toll, but its like cancer, if someone does not cut it out, it will only grow. Todays thought patterns just won’t tolerate such use of force history, alas, me or my concepts as it were.

    So, I guess I’m the odd guy out, just me, my wife and our dogs, a few others…

    …Number two will be my choice for now I suppose. Sorry, I just could not come up with funny.


    • David Gillaspie says:

      Good rip, Gary,

      For all the joy and excitement of the baby boomer aging dividend, (we get to live longer and better?) too few notice those who’ve carried a heavier load. Sure, we get a “Thanks for your service” if we served, but it sounds more like “What were you thinking” when it comes from folks you know wouldn’t cross the street to drain one if they saw someone on fire.

      You probably guessed the list I wrote is the opposite of what you ought to do. After reading your comment I’d add this: When life experiences stack up year after year and become too heavy; when one thing after another feeds into the string of things from the past you’d rather not deal with every day; when this happens you find a way to lay that burden down.

      I talked to a young soldier just back from Iraq once. He was home on medical leave to recover from a suicide bomber who walked up to his new community outreach captain who’d refused to take their rank off their uniform. The man I saw was working it out. I told him to find a place in his mind, build a room, jam it full of war time, and lock the door once he’s done.

      It doesn’t change anything, but it’s a step. Maybe it’s your step, too?

      Thanks go coming in, Gary.

  2. Gary Bowen says:

    Number six Boomer hosing (housing)– brings to mind certain slam dunk reality! Several boomers in my hood have undertaken this financil solution. Why this is becoming so popular is a bit beyond my pay grade, still having difficulty grasping the concept I suppose, same with the solar on the house push.

    Working the numbers just don’t seem to equate to the BBD or bigger better deal…

    It would really seem odd to recieve a letter in the mail explaining you have 30 days to remove all property and yourself from the premises.

    Number 4

    Boomer Family. Dang! Spot on Bill! Asking for my things before I’m through with em, gifting money as expecting payback is nothing but a word spoken having no meaning so don’t bother. Goes with my old saying from umpteen years ago back when I was young, dont send gifts, send money!

    Kids are your kids are your kids, thats how the gig is rigged!


    • David Gillaspie says:

      I wonder how that GET OUT letter works. Someone won’t be happy. Good call on the kids.

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