CAN YOU TELL WHEN THINGS GO SIDEWAYS? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?
Huffington Post published, “Red Flags In A Relationship: 10 Behaviors To Watch Out For.”
It’s written by Susie and Otto Collins for YourTango.com.
Though a search for the article on the site didn’t show it right away, it did show Susie and Otto.
Boomerpdx is not here to judge, but if it were it wouldn’t be pretty.
Susie is a librarian, Otto a salesman whose territory included Ohio, Kentucky, and West Virginia.
They are self-proclaimed ‘soul mates’ who found each other at a spiritual study group after their first marriages ended.
Now they’re ready to share.
As experts specializing as Dating Coach, Divorce Coach, Life Coach, Relationship Coach, Sex Coach, they cover lots of ground.
If it seems odd to Portland baby boomers for divorced people giving the advice, don’t judge the book by its cover.
Every librarian isn’t named Marion who lives with thee cats in a spinster house designed to look like their childhood home any more than a chunky bald guy who knows his way around Appalachia cruises family reunions for dates. Those are unfair stereotypes that get no play here.
On to the ’10 Behaviors To Watch Out For’ and a boomerpdx response.
1. He tells you you’re fat.
The experts say you don’t have to grit your teeth and listen. Well, try gritting your teeth at the dinner table when the gravy boat comes around the third time. Be a role model for Reduced Calorie living, then tell him he’s fat. Be mature.
2. He ignores you.
Otto and Susie say you shouldn’t have to jump up and down for attention. Agreed. With those extra pounds you’re heading for hip, knee, and foot injuries. If you do need to jump around, do it in a swimming pool during a water aerobics class. That’ll show him you’re listening when he calls you fat.
3. He says one thing and does another.
Otto probably worked on this one. Instead of “Watch for observable examples of whether or not his words match his actions,” start things you’d like done and ask for his help. You’re in a relationship, not gathering evidence and building a court case. No one wants an empty ‘yes dear’ anymore than they want ‘sure thing, babe’ or ‘you got it, Hon.’ Get things started, then ask for help. That doesn’t make you the weak link in the love chain.
4. He yells at you when drunk.
These experts say, “We all lose our cool occasionally.” Lose our cool? How boomer. He’s drunk, you’re drunk, but you’re still logging ‘observable examples?’ Put down the recorder and explain the rules of using his outdoor voice when he’s loaded. Then threaten to eat all the ice cream while you scream, “You think I’m fat now, just wait. You’d better STFU.” Grab the biggest spoon in the house for good measure.
5. He forbids you from contact with friends or family.
This is difficult because of the location. If your friends and family are toothless hillbillies living on bacon drippings and rooting for grubs in a dark holler, he may have a point. Go by yourself, but don’t expect him to drink the greasy smoothie with twitching lumps you bring home.
6. He sleeps around when drunk.
They say, “Cheating is cheating and needs to be acknowledged and addressed.” Why? So you can track down their partner and see what it takes to get your guy to pay attention? This sounds like the ‘sliced bread’ theory of relationships where one slice lost doesn’t ruin the whole loaf. Better to consider the potential of STDs and unwanted pregnancy and DUI. If your man is drunk, did his girlfriend drop him at your door after their date, or did he drive?
7. He lies and breaks promises.
You know he’s already saying one thing and doing another. He’s a liar. You can’t trust him, he gets drunk and yells at you before sleeping around. This is not normal for most people.
8. He puts you down.
Our experts ask, “Was he putting you down or were you hearing what he said through your own self-negative filter?” There’s a difference? You’re fat, you put up with him ignoring you, being a loud drunk, and sleeping around half-gassed. He thinks he’s got a green light to do anything, and he’ll try.
9. He is abusive.
“Whether it’s physical, sexual, verbal or emotional, abuse is never okay.” So true, but if you’re a doormat, then your lying, drunk, philandering a-hole of an excuse for a mate will try and wipe his feet on you every chance he gets. You can buy a doormat at WalMart, but you can’t buy a marriage partner or relationship. Love is not for sale at most reputable establishments. Men who carry the profile described in these Ten Behaviors ruin it for the rest of us. They treat their women so bad that the next guy will get painted with his brush. No one needs that.
10. He refuses to commit.
After all this it’s still about a commitment? Honey, please. Any man displaying combinations of even three of the behaviors listed is a loser. Losers make loser commitments. They fold during hard times and turn you into a loser. If that’s who you are, or want to be, stick around. Otherwise, tell him what troubles you and take steps toward a remedy. Just because your partner is not the worst person you know doesn’t make him a good one.
What should you do? Lead by example. Lose weight. Back away from the booze. Educate him on what you need. Remind him you don’t need Lance Romance sneaking behind your back, a new rash to scratch, or a black eye.
No one does. Check your calendar and make a date with yourself if things don’t change.
A new you will see a new world.