HUSBAND GOALS, FATHER GOALS 2023

Husband goals?

First, get married.

Father goals?

Then have kids.

But what’s next?

Let’s start with husband goals.

Not everyone is cut out for the husband role no matter the gender part.

Begin by respecting the institution of marriage.

It comes with vows, promises, and intent.

Unfortunately not everyone gets it right the first time around.

Chances are they won’t get it right the second, third, or fourth time either.

One of my married buddies and I made a pact: If we ever learn the other guy has stepped out on their marriage they get a punch in the face.

For better or worse. Hey, J-Ray.

 

Don’t Be That Husband

If you’re married long enough you come across people with different ideas on husband goals.

For example:

On a work trip I spent the night in a nice motel with a hot tub and sauna.

My kind of place.

There I was cooking in the hot box dialed up to two hundred degrees when an impressive woman stepped into the hot tub.

She saw me through the sauna window and came in.

Did I say impressive? What I mean is she was hard not to look at.

I locked in tunnel vision to keep things on the right track.

Lady: Oh, it’s so hot in here. Is it always this hot?

Me: Usually, sometimes hotter.

Lady: I don’t know why they require swimsuits in such a hot room.

Me:

Lady: Would you mind if I cooled off?

Me: Good idea. I’m hitting the shower.

Lady: I mean in here. (She takes her top off.)

Me: There’s a dress code.

Lady: You’re not wearing a top. What’s the problem?

Me: No problem. But I’m not a woman in a sauna with a stranger.

Lady: You don’t look strange to me and we don’t have to stay here. You could come to my room.

Me: Well, that’s nice. But I’m a sauna guy.

Lady: We could turn up the heat. Do you know what happens when a woman gets overheated?

Me: Sure. Heat stroke, heat exhaustion. It’ll sneak up on you.

Lady: I like sneaking up. (She wiggled out of the rest of her swimsuit without standing up.)

Me:  Can I tell you something?

Lady: Like I’m irresistible?

Me: Oh you’re all that and more, but maybe a little reckless.

Lady: I’m married. I see your ring. No one knows we’re here.

Me: I’ve got a feeling you’re not going to be married for long.

Lady: My husband understands. Does your wife understand?

Me: We understand together.

 

Sauna Test For Husband Goals

Before we got married I got sauna tested.

My eventual wife reserved time in a downtown Portland club with private hot tubs and a sauna.

Me: Sounds good. Do we bring swimsuits?

Her: I’m not. We’re adults in private. I invited another couple, too.

Me: Sounds like a swimsuit time to me.

 

The other couple were two women, my former girlfriend and her lady friend.

It seemed like a dicey choice.

A test? Maybe they were all in cahoots as to how I’d react.

How did I react to a vision of loveliness?

I locked in my tunnel vision and stayed busy moving from the sauna to the cold shower and back to the sauna while the ladies chatted.

 

Years and kids later I asked, “Do you remember that sauna night downtown?”

Wife: Where you couldn’t keep still and sit in the sauna or hot tub?

Me: That’s the one. Do you think we would have made it to where we are if things went differently then?

Wife: Like if we were all out of control and threw ourselves at you over and over?

Me: Like that.

Wife: Would we be here married with kids if that had happened? Probably not.

Me: I’m thinking the same thing.

Wife: Sure you are.

Me: How long was I in and out of the shower?

Wife: More than you were in the sauna and hot tub.

Me: It was a cold shower.

Wife: Cold showers like a fourteen year old?

Me: Worked out right didn’t it?

Wife: Yes it did.

 

Husband Goals

Before you get married the first time boys, know that resisting temptations is not enough.

If you feel like you need to spend time with new women, don’t get married.

If you feel the need to revisit old flames, don’t get married.

However, if you do get married keep a few things in mind:

An old girlfriend may call you in between her marriages and tell you she’s coming through town on a trip with her kids.

And she’d like to get caught up. But it’s a week before your wedding.

What do you do?

Here’s what you don’t do: Take advantage of someone in a vulnerable state.

Did my old girlfriend come through town? I don’t know, don’t want to know.

Did I stay in contact? My memory says no.

 

Father Goals

How many people do you know who say, “I never knew my father?”

My kids will never have that to fall back on if they’re feeling sorry for themselves.

People don’t know their dads because the old man abandoned them, or kept his secret life secret.

I’ve pushed up on my kids to the point of knowing they’d like me to pipe down.

“Why are you always around,” is a question I’ve heard.

My answer, my secret answer since I’m not spelling it out to them: I want them to know how much I care about them. And that takes time, a lifetime.

What they will never know is how much I love their momma.

Instead of a life as a truck driving son of a gun, or a faithless son of a bitch, I’m delighted to show them it’s possible to hold their shit together on the rough road of marriage.

This guy is no kind of daddy to any kid:

 

I got a cute little gal in every eastern town from Boston to St Louis
There’s some that I don’t even know but I’m looking forward to
Cause I like my women everywhere I go
So roll on big wheels don’t you roll so slow

Peggy Ann is a waitin’ in Memphis and Betty Lou in Maine
I got a good ole gal in Knoxville but man I forgot her name
But not her figure I remember that
Yeah I’m a kiss stealin’ a wheelin’ deelin’ a truck drivin’ son of a gun

Well there goes Joe flyin’ low making up his time
But where I sit I don’t believe you’d say I’m wastin’ mine
I’m movin’ faster than a Jimmy-8
If you think I’m losin’ time you’re runnin’ late

I got a steady little baby waitin’ back home for me
But there are six more towns to go till I’m back in Tennessee
And six more women at least I know
Yeah I’m a kiss stealin’ wheelin’ deelin’ a truck drivin’ son of a gun