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KITZHABER: The Movie

Casting For Kitzhaber.

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Possible Governor and First Lady for Kitzhaber: The Movie? via pagesix.com

Recent developments in the former Oregon governor’s life scream for justice.

And a movie.

One thing is certain in modern times: We learn more from movies than we do from television news.

Or the educational system. The Daily Show? Better than Foreign Affairs 401?

If we’re expected to understand the depth and scope of the Kitzhaber affair we need a movie.

And, the big AND, the Kitzhaber story needs big stars.

With this post I’ll cast the movie but first a few examples of ‘teaching’ movies.

Some of you are documentary fans.

From WWII In Color on the American Heroes Channel to 2015 Oscar winner CitizenFour you want the truth as unvarnished as possible.

You want information based documentaries to explain how things are, or could be. Or were.

Since you don’t consider yourself a Drama Queen you don’t want the drama.

And you’re wrong.

Watch all the D-Day footage in the vault and you won’t get a better view of the beach than the beginning of Saving Private Ryan.

For the story of the Holocaust queue up Schindler’s List.

Is there a bigger experience of a ship full of people sinking at sea than Titanic?

Archival footage shows the Iranian hostage crisis in great detail. Ben Affleck’s Argo takes it to a whole other level when he takes us on an insider’s journey.

Former governor John Kitzhaber’s growing story needs some of that insider action.

When federal investigators dismiss the work of Oregon’s Attorney General, and the state’s top federal prosecutor takes a break, something big is up.

We need a movie to get a grip on these events. It’s the American Way.

Who will star in Kitzhaber?

To start out we need a believable femme fatale and who is more femme fatale-y than Angelina Jolie.

Who would better embody the sort of ambitious drive powering Cylvia Hayes?

Part do-gooder, part home wrecker, and part drop-dead kisser, Angelina could carry Kitzhaber: The Movie by herself. She’s used to heavy lifting.

To add tension and dirt the John Kitzhaber part belongs to Angelina’s ex Billy Bob Thornton.

Together again, Angelina and Billy Bob will curl the hair of everyone watching on the big screen, small screen, and smart phone.

The two coming out of the show with hair like the worst home perm burn?

Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.

Wouldn’t best Friend Jen enjoy the idea of Billy Bob snaking up on Angelina after losing her then husband Brad to her after they starred in Mr. and Mrs. Smith?

Inquiring minds would love seeing the off-screen photos of the Kitzhaber movie shoot.

Angelina and Billy Bob around Salem working on their lines together.

Working on their dance moves for the fourth term inauguration dance scene.

Angelina working up a good emo display for her star turn at the lectern explaining her mistakes to Oregon.

Angelina and Billy Bob at the Bend dump unloading trash.

With the two principal characters blocked out let’s turn to new governor Kate Brown.

Who would be better than Linda Hunt? Only Tina Fey in a sure Oscar performance.

The federal investigator part will be prime ground for another Oscar nomination. Who better than Matthew McConaughey after his short part in Wolf Of Wall Street?

Maybe we’ll get another chest thumping chant from Mat.

While it’s too early to project how the Kitzhaber investigation will turn out, it’s not too early to cast the movie.

The only part missing so far is the narrative voice over. Morgan Freeman is the go to choice by his work in Shawshank Redemption and Million Dollar Baby, he’d be a second choice in Kitzhaber: The Movie.

The only voice needed belongs to the legend of The West, the cowboy’s Cowboy, the great Sam Elliot.

Lure him out of his Dodge Ram and get to work on truth, justice, and Kitzhaber: The Movie.

Lights. Camera. Action.

Oregon? Get ready for your close-up.

 

About David Gillaspie
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