FATHERHOOD QUESTION: WHAT DID IT FEEL LIKE TO LEARN YOU’D BE A DAD?

A fatherhood question ought to have an easy answer.

I’m a dad, but when asked how it felt when I first heard I’d made the team I was stumped for an answer.

And it wasn’t a complicated question. How did I feel? Really?

Coming from the 1970’s, I could have said something from that era.

Groovy? Far out? Naw, I’m a 70’s guy, not a 60’s guy.

But the question was pretty clear, “What did it feel like to learn I’d be parent?”

I heard a mom tell what her husband said, then it was my turn. How did I feel? Now I have to report on my feelings?

What I should have said was how I felt, since that was the question. I answered it better later, but in real time I dodged around. Real shifty, stupid, and uncalled for, but I went with my strengths.

In a group setting I wasn’t going for the deep dive of an answer. It wasn’t the kind of group.

My best answer would have been a boiler plate response like, “It felt like a miracle, wonderful, frightening, anxious.”

Did I Say Frightening?

Growing up in a house of boys, my mom was diligent in one thing for all of us in turn: No teen pregnancy.

She wanted the best for her kids. I don’t remember my dad chiming in on the same channel.

My ma was married early, had kids early, then more kids. Three by age twenty five. Nothing unusual about that in baby boomer lore.

Like Dan Rather quoting Beyonce today on twitter, momma knew she needed a ring to follow through on natures call to get it on. She got her ring, then the rest.

As a middle aged woman she knew all about nature’s call to youth and shared it often.

She painted fatherhood as a danger to watch out for. It was a frightening message to go along with everything else in those teen years.

Back To The Fatherhood Question

Now, I’m sixty five with kids in their thirties. I can tell you now that time just flies by. A quote from one writer explained they wrote so they wouldn’t be sleep walking through their life. I like the sound of that.

The writer gets to conjure up a better answer than the one I offered.

First, I claimed to not hear the question, then joked it out. Ha ha? No, just not quite right for the setting.

By the way, my kids were there at the time, which is an important feature.

My sad answer to how it felt when I first heard I’d be a dad?

“Do you mean these two?”

And they took over from there.

“When he learned he was going to be a dad the first time he ran off and joined the Army,” one said.

Not true, but funny enough.

“The second time, he ran off to New York,” the other said.

I was a runner, but this observation is also false, even though I did military service and did live New York.

Married With Children Before The Show

I married the best woman I’d ever met knowing she’d haunt me forever as THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY if I didn’t. No one needs that, especially a wife who wonders if her husband has her in mind, or the other one.

To say the least, I was stumped for a good answer to the fatherhood question, “How did it feel when you learned you’d be a dad?”

I tried a little bullshitting, then got a little fired up because I didn’t like the question. And it wouldn’t go away.

Those who know me understand that everything is about me, me, me, based on their experience. My kids picked up on that fault early on, and bring it up more than they need to. I’m just another selfish, self-absorbed old man, a baby boomer who thinks he knows everything.

I don’t know enough to give the right answer to the dominant question of fatherhood feelings. I didn’t get it right this time, but I tried to fix it.

I explained it to my daughter in law like this at the gender reveal:

“When I learned I’d be a dad I felt a sense of relief, a new direction, inclusion in the club. But I wanted a special role in the parent club as the dad who goes the extra mile, takes the needed steps, the dad who over does things. Most of all I felt a greater commitment to the woman who’d be the mother of my children.

“When I learned I’d be a dad, I locked onto the notion of being the best damn one to set foot on this new turf. Everything looked different. I saw things in my past I was finished with, and things in my future to look forward to. A lot of men see fatherhood as a new set of shackles, but I felt more freedom than I’d ever felt.

“The idea of protect and serve changed. Now I had something to protect and serve like a maniac. This is my answer, and it’s not the right one for everybody. Fierce fatherhood isn’t something people want to hear about. Some guys toss these feelings aside with words like, ‘Just another part of life, no big deal.’

“I took on the parent role from the get go. In a world of dysfunctional people showing their true colors during this pandemic, I see weak adult involvement in early childhood. That won’t be you, and it won’t be your husband. We’ve known each other long enough for you to see my act. My loyalty to those in my circle never changes and never will. And you are one of them. I love you.”

I wasn’t going to talk it out in a group, get choked up, and start crying my happiness out in a big slobbery mess the way it happened when my kids were born. Who hasn’t cried for three hours straight? It surprised me when it happened, sort of christening the birth. And I’ll probably cry my face off again in November. This time I’ll hydrate ahead of time.

Walking The Fatherhood Question Walk

My kid walked with me to my car and I began explaining my feelings to him.

“I know, dad,” he said. I like that kid. He’s got a lot of his momma in there.

“I’m not throwing my emotions down in polite conversation,” I said, or something like it.

“You need to keep it light and assume positive intent from people. API,” he said.

We bumped elbows and I drove away feeling lucky for the way he sees things. I sailed home on a cloud of happiness. I learned I was going to be a Girl Grandpa.

Where’s my hankie.