HELICOPTER PARENT WISH LIST

My mother discovered stolen contraband the night she pretended to hang up my coat. The ‘hang the coat up’ frisk was a classic move.

I’ve used it with my own kids.

The item she found was a seventy nine cent writing tablet that opened like a book. She asked where it came from, I gave her the name of a sixth grader. I had to steal something to hang out with his group.

Even then I had writing aspirations.

She called his parents, talked a moment, then handed me the phone and waved my dad over to hear a man’s voice screaming at a kid and a kid crying after each slapping sound. We stared at each other.

From the phone: Yell, yell, yell, “Why did you give another kid a notebook? Why?” A slap, then, “I didn’t,” followed by, “are you lying?” another slapping sound, more crying and howling.

It repeated a few times before I saw my only way out.

I had to confess my thievery, and hope my dad had a different plan. Before they were all the rage, this was a perfect time for a helicopter parent.

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I wish a helicopter parent had swooped in and made one of my grade school classmates stop hanging his dog and crucifying frogs.

I was in his backyard on an unsupervised open ended playtime in the neighborhood visit that went sideways.

As a parent of two children I monitored their friends for clues to such behavior.

“Do any of your friends hang dogs? Nail frogs to trees?” I asked.

“What?”

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Where was the helicopter parent during all of the rock fights across the old county road?

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One kid got a bad haircut at home.

It wasn’t bad to begin with, but the kid complained and complained until the parent showed what a bad haircut looked like.

This was Sunday before the school week. When the kid went to school they wouldn’t take off their hat.

For that they were sent to the office where the vice principal called the mom in.

She showed up with a belt and asked where their kid wanted it, in the office or in front of the school.

The kid chose the office and got a few lashes and lost his hat before returning to class.

What would a helicopter parent have done differently?