SEARCH RULES: DON’T GIVE UP TOO SOON

Search rules come up when you need to find something bad.

Real bad.

So bad that your life plans may change if you don’t find what you’re looking for. Soon.

What is so important to find?

The recent news about searching comes from Florida where seasoned professionals looked for material that shouldn’t be where they were told it was.

It’s a big deal with tons of press for and against.

Yesterday’s search was even more important. Was it to find Top Secrets? No, more important.

Was it a search to find nuclear codes? No, more important.

What’s more important than looking for unauthorized material in the residence of a former president who was impeached twice and directed an insurrection after he lost re-election?

I needed to find a birth certificate. Who knows where their birth certificate is?

How about your kid’s birth certificate?

Where would you look?

Search Rules Say Start At The Beginning

When you get married you need a marriage license. Why?

Like a driver’s license, a marriage license is necessary to show competence?

As if a marriage instructor is waiting for you to show you’ve studied the marriage permit book.

They’re not. This isn’t the DMV.

But you do need a birth certificate.

Enter all your information in the online application. All information entered — including legal name spelling, dates, etc. — must match the information on your birth certificates.

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When I got married there was no online application. I had to find the state office, go in, and pick up a marriage license.

The odd thing I remember is the marriage license desk was right next to the dog license desk.

How many people got the wrong license?

Maybe a marriage license and a dog license are the same in some states, but not Oregon.

We have rules about that sort of thing. A marriage license doesn’t come with a discount coupon for a veterinarian.

Both parties must appear together to complete the process.

Please bring: 

• Valid government-issued picture identification
• Applicants must be at least 18 years of age; persons 17 years of age may get a marriage license with a signed consent form from either parent or guardian. Parent or guardian must be present when the license is purchased.
• Birth Record (required). Information required on the application can be found on birth record(s) and may prove helpful.

From what I understand you can’t get married without a birth certificate.

But why is that? To show you’re not marrying your cousin?

Oregon has rules about that, unlike other states.

According to the NCSL, cousin marriage is legal in: Alabama, Alaska, California, Colorado, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, New Mexico, New York, North Carolina (in North Carolina, first-cousin marriage is legal, but double-cousin marriage is prohibited), Rhode Island, South Carolina, Tennessee, Texas, Vermont and Virginia.

In Arizona, Illinois, Indiana, Maine, Utah and Wisconsin, first-cousin marriage is allowed under certain circumstances.

Your Papers Please

Is it easier to buy a gun than get a marriage license?

Everyone who’s ever attended a shotgun wedding knows the answer.

If you don’t have the papers you don’t get married.

This is where search rules stand tall:

DON’T GIVE UP

My wife spent hours going through every file in a five drawer vertical file cabinet. More hours going through a long two drawer horizontal cabinet.

Mine were the extra eyes going over the same ground. Twice.

Together we followed search rules and kept looking.

Maybe the groom’s birth certificate was on the shelf with all of the families high school and college diplomas. All important papers.

“I remember moving a desk and putting all of our birth certificates in a brown envelope.”

So we looked through the room where the desk was, and where it landed.

From bookcases to archival boxes, we looked and looked.

Then we looked some more.

We looked until The Man showed up. Should I allow a search of my private papers by my son?

What will he find?

He won’t find shit because the wife and I don ‘t have secret lives. So far.

We didn’t find shit after hours and hours of sorting through our crap. What we did find was a lot to get rid of.

My kid wasn’t distracted by our hoardiness.

With a focus sharpened by necessity, he dove in.

After a half hour he found his birth certificate.

He weeded through decades of files we ought to recycle or shred in a fraction of the time we took.

He followed search rules and didn’t give up.

That’s a positive sign for a good marriage if you ask me.

It was the finishing touch for a day of discovery worthy of the finest explorers, uncovering the whereabouts of a birth certificate, new drivers license, and missing credit card.

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With that done, the show goes on, and it’s a show with lots of surprises.

The commemorative Marriage Certificate, given to you at the time your license is issued, will be completed by the official performing the marriage. This certificate is unofficial and not acceptable as proof of your marriage. The official record is the marriage license. A certified copy of the official license will be required for proof of marriage. You may purchase a certified copy of the official record through the office of the Clackamas County Clerk Recording Division or through the Oregon Center for Health Statistics.

Who is surprised you need to buy a marriage license, they buy a certified copy too?

Welcome to Married Life, sonny. You’ll be a good addition to the Husband Club.

I see many weight lifting and sauna and beer sessions in the future.

Call me a happy daddy. My wife does.

Right, honey? Honey? Sweetheart? Snuggums?

Last word: Don’t give up on each other. Search rules say you found the right one.

Am I right, dear? Lovie? Where’d she go?