UROLOGY WARD FOR THE BASHFUL

Nurse: The urology ward is the last place you want to see in a VA hospital.

Blogger: Why is that?

Nurse: These are veterans committed to showing big balls and everything that goes along with it.

Blogger: Everything that goes along with big balls? Like a tight jockstrap?

Nurse: Virility and testosterone.

Blogger: I don’t think my audience knows virility and testosterone. Can you help them out?

Nurse: Maybe you underestimate your audience.

Blogger: Or maybe they overestimate me.

Nurse: You seem competent.

Blogger: I keep that bar raised high by being competent. I’m aiming for exceptional.

Nurse: Aren’t we all.

Blogger: And you make it look so easy.

Nurse: You know better than that.

Blogger: I do; you’re welcome.

 

From The Nurse

Part of my job is supervising NAs, Nurse Assistants, on the urology ward.

They make beds, change bedpans, helping the patient with their requests.

One morning I heard a loud male voice come from a room down the hall.

I checked and found the NA making a bed while the only patient in the room yelled at him.

He was yelling because he was deaf and couldn’t hear himself.

“THAT’S SOME WAY FOR A MAN TO MAKE A LIVING BY MAKING BEDS. NOW I’VE SEEN EVERYTHING.

“OF ALL THE THINGS IN THE WORLD TO DO AND THIS ONE CHOOSES MAKING BEDS? WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.

“I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO SEE WHAT’S NEXT. A CUP OF TEA WITH THE OTHER LADIES?”

The man had been in before. This time he got his own room for a reputation of being loud and belligerent.

He was right on schedule.

After he left for surgery I spoke to the NA and explained a few things.

Men in early middle-age, which the man was, begin seeing changes in their penis and blame everyone and everything.

I looked at the chart and told him, the NA, that the man was in surgery for penile reconstruction.

He listened while he changed the man’s bed.

Sometimes it’s physical, sometimes emotional, and sometimes it’s a little of each.

This man was lashing out for not having a workable wienie in the wanker ward.

He came back quietly to a bed with clean sheets and a warm cup of tea.

 

Walking The Urology Ward Hallway

Nurse: A few weeks later an older man came in for the same surgery.

He was a small, quiet man, in his early-60’s.

Like the others, he came out of surgery with a large bandage in his crotch.

That afternoon his wife came to visit. She was a large woman with half a foot and fifty pounds on her husband.

They walked the hallway together and she couldn’t stop staring at the size of his bandage or take the look of joy from her face.

The man looked worried.

I made a note to check if he’d come in with an injury.

 

The urology ward deals with all things urological, but we also get some patients from other floors if we have room in recovery.

One man came in after an ingrown hair got out of control and he had a large piece of his upper thigh removed.

To be fair, he was paralyzed from the waste down and lived on his own and didn’t notice the infection at first.

As with such patients on a short stay he received a condom catheter that is taped to the base of the penis.

Later in the day a different NA decided on their own to change the catheter, starting with cutting the tape near the base of the penis.

She had years of experience, but she was far-sighted and pinched the tape for the cut.

Besides the tape, she cut a pinch of penis-skin that bled so much it frightened her and she called for help.

I interviewed the patient for the record after everything calmed down.

 

Nurse: What happened?

Patient: I was taking a nap and woke up to find the top of a woman’s head near my crotch.

Nurse: Did you say anything?

Patient: Not until I started bleeding and she called for help.

Nurse: Why didn’t you say something when you woke up to find the top of a woman’s head over your crotch?

Patient: I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Nurse:

Patient:

Nurse: I see.