GRANDDAD ADVICE: WHAT KIDS LEARN FIRST

Granddad advice is the last thing needed for a newborn?

Whoever said that?

If you’re a grandpa who doesn’t give Granddad advice, do you know what’s coming?

Grandma advice.

No matter who speaks up first, make it useful. The first thing to beware of:

New parents watch their parents interact with the new baby and flashback to how they were with them. It may not be a direct, vivid memory, but it’s there in some form when the nerves hit.

“The baby is so small.”

“I’m afraid of dropping the baby.”

“What do I do now?”

Kids hear that sort of talk and know it was the same words said when they were a tiny baby so easy to drop.

If Granddad says those things, who stepped up? Any guesses? If you say Grandma, you are correct.

Hold baby just to keep company, feed baby when they give a special noise, and change baby. Sing a song.

Those are the answers to “What do I do now.”

Granddad Advice On Rhythm And Blues

Baby might be asleep, but they still feel the cadence of breathing, a heart beat, the non-threatening movement to find just the right spot.

It’s a family tradition as old as time, making room for the next generation, giving comfort to the one following them.

Granddad might be asleep, too, but we feel the little heater, the blanket rise and fall, the stretching. When we open our eyes we see a blur of history in a tiny face.

Earliest baby pictures from oldest relatives are in their faces; every baby picture from every family album is in there; and most of all, there’s never been anything as cute as that baby’s face all by itself.

For proof, ask any Grandma, but know Granddad backs her up. We sing for baby in low tones and talk in a slow deep voice while holding baby. How low can you go? Barry White low?

Fragrance Tip: Try not to throw baby into an allergic reaction with your latest cologne or aftershave. Wearing nothing is best, but if you need that extra dose of man-stink, read the fine print:

Creed Aventus

Celebrating the strength and vision of Napoleon, Creed features a bouquet of fruity notes including Corsican blackcurrant, Italian bergamot, French apple, and royal pineapple, while birch and patchouli give the blend a smoky confidence irresistible to women. It is due to this rich, masterful amalgamation of scents that Creed Aventus is one of history’s bestselling colognes.

Save Creed for another time, Napoleon, like storming your hoarder pile.

Granddad Advice For Lessons To Learn

I had one Granddad who drank beer in the car and smoked cigarettes while his son drove. Us kids were in the back seat got smoked out from both men in front.

“Granddad, why are you drinking beer in the car and holding the can so low?”

“Because Mr. Policeman doesn’t appreciate all of my decisions.”

If you are a new Granddad, don’t smoke around the kids, drink beer in a moving car, and put yourself in competition with Mr. Policeman’s decisions. Which are often called laws.

Follow the family pace of events and give yours a rest.

2.

One Granddad had a new car and a new wife.

“I like to refresh things every few years,” he said.

His new wife was as sweet as the last, and his car was a big red Chevrolet Impala with a 400 engine.

“What does 400 mean, Granddad?”

“I’ll show you. Tell your momma that Granddad is taking all of you boys for a ride.”

“Okay.”

We took a big loop around North Bend. Down Sherman, a left on Virginia, another left on Broadway, and finally a last left on Newmark.

We sat at the top of the Newmark hill that dropped down to a speed bump, then up to the right turn into Edgewood Drive. At the time the bottom land was empty.

“Remember what the 400 is for on the side of my Chevy?”

“What’s it for?”

“This.” Granddad floored it off the stoplight. We were going 100 mpg when we caught air over the speed bump, going so fast we missed the first turn for home, but made the one on Chester St.

“That was faster than we’ve ever gone.”

“That’s the kind of car your Granddad likes.”

I don’t remember what my parents thought when we told them about the wild ride. We tried to get Granddad to drive us up and down the hill to Oregon Homes for an extra lift, but we weren’t allowed to get in the car with him again.

If you are a new Granddad, don’t show off. You had your chance, now it’s the new dad’s turn. If you have something special you think the kid would like, tell new dad and let him do it.

If baby looks one way all the time, and you have an idea for a remedy, tell him, don’t show him. Besides, new mom already figured it out.

3.

Babies, everyone of them, are new to the world they’re born into. All parents are just as new the first time.

It’s Baby World.

It’s also Momma World, with a hint of Grandma for extra resonance.

Where does that leave Dad and Granddad?

Dad has a special ticket to Baby World and Momma World.

The Granddad role is more of a coaching job. Just keep the game moving forward. Don’t re-write the rule book. Offer support without complaining and criticizing.

Remember, the Granddad clock is ticking. It’s the same clock that started with the birth of their kids and got louder with the birth of grandchildren.

And no, it’s not a Boomer Doomer clock, a Death Watch, or the Sands Of Time slipping away. But it is a warning, a bell-lap, a kick down the backstretch.

If you’re a fast-living, cutting-edge, finger-on-the-pulse-of-change kind of guy, find a way to turn that shit down around baby.

Baby World lives on Baby Time, not Granddad time. Go ahead and be a boring lump content to hold baby in your arms as long as you can.

You can do that. And of course you can do so so much more.

Just don’t.

Mom’s work it out. Dad’s work it out. If you can offer some assistance in your area of expertise, keep it simple.

Chances are pretty good this isn’t your area, so no one needs to hear your opinion.

If it seems like your opinion isn’t as needed as it used to be, maybe it wasn’t so critical back then, either. Adapt, adjust, wear a mask, wash hands, social distance.

Am I missing any Granddad advice? Anything? Leave comments.