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She was married to an English rocker for ten years. That’s a lot of tea and  crumpets for an American girl. Probably a lot of Coldplay music, too.

That alone might send you off screaming, but there’s still the time factor. Ten years is a good stretch. If there were any mistakes along the way, we can learn from her.

How did they do it? How did they stay married so long? Let’s start with the Oscar.

Gwyneth won for playing a male character in Shakespeare In Love. You can reject the notion that husband Chris Martin saw more Thomas Kent than Gwyneth Paltrow. Enough of the idea that Englishmen are secretly gay because of the way they talk.

If that was the case we’d have to say every Texan is redneck by the way they talk.

Both are wrong any way you spin it. If it was true, if Chris thought Gwyneth was a guy, they wouldn’t have had a ten year marriage and two kids. That’s not the way it works.

Gwyneth has baby boomer appeal because she looks so natural. She’s not always ‘on’ in every picture taken, flashing a practiced expression to hide her true self. It’s okay to look bored, morose, maybe a little loaded. We like her here at BoomerPDX because she looks like a hippie, instead of an attention grabbing Hollywood A-lister.

High profile marriages between American women and English men are nothing new.

Boomers recall Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor. (Yes, Taylor was born in England, but her parents were American. She had dual citizenship.)

They were so in love they got married twice. Like Gwyneth, Liz had many famous suitors. Her date list included Frank Sinatra, Henry Kissinger, Malcolm Forbes, and Howard Hughes to go along with husbands like Burton, Conrad Hilton, Eddie Fisher, Senator John Warner, and regular guy Larry Fortensky.

Compare Liz’s list to Gwyneth’s group of Brad Pitt, Ben Affleck, Bryan Adams, and Luke Wilson. No contest.

The best thing to happen next between Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow? Avoid becoming the subject of a book by Darwin Porter and Danforth Prince. In their story, Elizabeth Taylor: There Is Nothing Like a Dame, they either trashed the actress unmercifully, or reported her exploits in an unmerciful way. Who needs that?

Gwyneth’s best bet for laying low would be moving to S.E. Portland. She’s got hipster cred and she’s the right age. The neighborhood would welcome her without staring. She could play a part on Portlandia, branching out after her part on Glee.

Portland would welcome her. She looks like she rolls out in the morning, throws something on, and heads out into her celebrity world. How many other movie stars leave the bathroom without consulting their stylist, their makeup artist, and their manager? Gwyneth looks like a functioning adult more than a pampered baby.

Besides, we’ve got celebrities in our midst.

In Portland she’d find an ageless mate to fit her new lifestyle. One stop at Baby Boomer Social Club and she’d be set. Portland baby boomer dating would never be the same.

As a future favor, please report any Paltrow sightings in Portland. We’re counting on you.




About David Gillaspie
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